Step Back to Step Forward: Gain Perspective on Leadership Decisions

How often do you find yourself solving others' challenges better than your own?

Recall a time you counselled a colleague so clearly that it surprised you both. They came in worried and unsure, and within ten minutes you had helped them see what mattered and what to do next. They left lighter. Then you went back to your desk, where a decision of your own had been waiting for three weeks.

If that sounds familiar, nothing is wrong with you. Most leaders I meet know this gap well, and many feel a little embarrassed by it. They wonder how someone with their experience can be so clear for others and so stuck for themselves.

What the research shows

Researchers have a name for this. They call it Solomon's paradox, after the king whose wisdom drew visitors from far away and who, by the same accounts, managed his own life far less well.

In a series of experiments, people thought through a painful conflict in a close relationship. Some imagined it happening to a friend, and others imagined it happening to themselves. Those thinking about the friend were wiser. They admitted what they did not know, considered how the other person saw it and looked for a way forward that both could live with.

Age made little difference. Older and younger adults showed the same gap.

What helped was stepping back. When people described their own situation as though it were someone else's, they thought it through as wisely as they had for the friend.

The studies used imagined conflicts in personal relationships, so I am careful about how far I stretch them. Even so, they match what I see in leaders week after week.

How it feels to be that close

You probably know how it feels: a decision you have held back on for days, replaying even when away from work, exploring multiple options, maybe even feeling tired hearing yourself think.

Many of the leaders I work with tell me they want peace of mind more than anything, and yet they keep replaying the same decision alone.

When the decision is a colleague's, you have nothing to lose. When it is yours, your reputation, your relationships and how you see yourself may all be tied up in it. Every option says something about who you are, and some of those things are hard to hear. So you go round again.

It gets lonelier as you go up. There are fewer people you can think aloud with, and fewer still to whom you can say "I do not know what to do". Many leaders carry that sentence around for weeks without saying it to anyone. Some tell me there is no one they can check their thinking with.

What I notice in coaching

A question I ask in coaching is, what would you tell a colleague in your place?

Most times, the answer emerges within seconds. For a few moments, clients get past their self-imposed restrictions, speak up without hesitation and come up with multiple creative solutions. To me, hearing them speak so effortlessly in a state of flow, it's almost like a part of them is left behind and another is racing ahead.

Then, a minute or so later, the doubting, limiting self catches up and starts interrupting with "but then you know" and "having said that".

This is the part the studies do not describe. Stepping back works, and for many people it lasts only a minute or so before the familiar voice returns. What a person says in that minute is often the clearest thing they have said about the decision in weeks.

The voice that catches up

You may recognise that voice. Maybe it's trying to protect you. It remembers the times a decision went wrong and how that felt, and it wants you to be sure before you move.

You do not have to argue with it or push it away. You can notice when the doubt starts, let it have its say, and still keep what you said before it arrived.

That voice is rarely as kind to you as you are to a colleague. Think about this: how much kinder and more supportive are you with a colleague than with yourself? With a colleague you are patient. You assume they are capable, and you forgive them for what they have not yet worked out. Some of the wisdom you offer others may come from that kindness, and you are allowed to offer it to yourself.

Three ways to step back

Here are three things you can try with a decision you are carrying this week.

1. Tell it as someone else's story. Describe the situation, aloud or on paper, as though a colleague you respect had brought it to you. You can even use your own name in place of "I". It may feel odd for the first minute, and that tends to pass.

2. Catch the first few seconds. Ask yourself what you would advise, and write down what you say before the "buts" and "what ifs" creep in. You can look at the doubts afterwards. They are easier to weigh once your first answer is on paper.

3. Think aloud with someone. In leadership, you may take many decisions alone, with no one to notice the "but" when it arrives. Another person can be kind to you and remind you of what you said before it. A peer, a mentor or a coach can each do this. Saying "I do not know what to do" to one person you trust can take some of the weight off.

Three reflections for you

• What would I notice in a colleague's decision that I am overlooking in mine?
• What am I likely to say in the first few seconds before the "but" arrives?
• How do I practise being open, accepting and patient with myself as I would be with them?

A closing thought

Stepping back matters. It can show you more of what is in front of you, make you more mindful of what you are choosing and act as a guide. The good sense you offer others so freely is still yours when the decision is your own.

Sometimes, stepping back is a step forward.

Explore how coaching can help you step back, develop new perspectives and solve better.

What helps you step back when you need to?