Calm Under Pressure: Four Practices for Leaders

What have you said recently to your team that you wish you could take back?

Take a moment now and recall one. Maybe it was the sharpness in your voice, words you didn’t mean, or your body language as you uttered them. Picture their faces as you said it. By then, it was too late.

You may also remember what came after. Everyone went silent, someone looked down at their notes, and the meeting moved on as though nothing had happened. You carried it home that evening, and part of you wanted to go back and say it again, differently.

If you know that feeling, nothing is wrong with you. The regret tells me that you care about how you lead and about the people you said it to.

The conversation before the conversation

A seasoned finance leader told me about her morning walks and how she would rehearse the difficult conversations ahead, turning them over and over in her head.

Think about where your mind goes before a hard conversation. One leader referred to that kind of overthinking as “a self-sabotaging mental race to the bottom.”

The rehearsal feels like preparation, and it can leave you more wound up than when you started. By the time the real conversation begins, you may have had it ten times in your head, and in most of those versions it went badly. You walk in ready for a fight that the other person does not know they are in.

Many of the leaders I work with tell me they want to handle difficult situations with more grace. Some describe an urge to argue and to correct that arrives before they have decided anything.

What snapping costs you and your team

Many leaders have accepted that reactions are part of their wiring under pressure. I can see why. But each time you snap, your team learns to bring you a little less.

You may not see it straight away. People begin to choose their moment with you. They soften the bad news, or they bring it a week later than they could have. They keep their unfinished ideas to themselves. You end up knowing less about what is going on, at the time you need to know most. I have written about this in Leading with Curiosity: What Is Your Team Not Telling You?

Some leaders go the other way. They hold it in, go silent in the meeting, or stay away from the colleague they find difficult. The feeling underneath is the same, and so is the cost, because the conversation that needs to happen does not happen.

There is a cost to you as well. It hurts to watch yourself behave in a way you do not respect.

A sharp reaction tends to arrive when something you care about feels under threat: a deadline, your standards, how others see you. Your body gets ready to defend it before you have had time to think. Seen this way, the reaction is your body trying to protect you, a little too quickly, and you can treat it with some kindness.

A question that has stayed with me is this: in that moment, what matters more to you than the people in the room? It may be the deadline, the number or your own standards, and you have stopped seeing the person in front of you.

Staying calm is something you can continue to get better at.

Four practices that help

In my experience as a coach, I have seen four practices support my clients time and again.

1. Notice your body. Maybe your shoulders tighten, your breath gets shorter, and your heart races. More often than not, your body shows it before you even become aware of the emotions. That makes your body your earliest signal.

There are two things to know about yourself here. One is your patterns, such as the meetings and the people that tend to set you off. The other is what is happening in you right now. Your patterns tell you when to watch out, and your body tells you it is happening now. Once you know your own first sign, whether it is a tight jaw or a hand that grips the pen, you gain a few seconds, and you can use those seconds to choose.

2. Name the emotion. This means putting a word to the feeling. Imagine saying to yourself, “This is fear,” or “I think this is impatience.” The feeling may be pointing to an unmet need. Under the impatience there may be a worry about a deadline, and under the anger there may be a wish to be heard. Researchers who scanned people’s brains found that putting a feeling into words calmed the part of the brain that sounds the alarm. Some people remember this as “name it to tame it”.

3. Pause before you respond. Try it as you read this: sit back, breathe in deeply, and let it out slowly. Do that a few more times and notice what changes in your body. Then choose what you wish to say next. In a meeting, the pause can be as small as one slow breath, a sip of water or the words “let me think about that for a moment”. Few people in the room will mind, and some will be relieved.

4. Own your feelings. They are yours, and it’s okay to feel them. No judgement or shame is needed. Anger, fear and impatience come with caring about your work. Owning a feeling means you can say “I am frustrated” to yourself without taking it out on the person in front of you. On the days you do get it wrong, owning it also means going back to that person and saying so. I have written more about that in Leading With Humility: Why Owning Mistakes Builds Stronger Teams.

What changed for one leader

That finance leader I mentioned earlier does a few things differently now. She jots down how she’s feeling, clarifies her intent, and takes a few deep breaths before walking into any meeting.

What I notice is the order. The feeling comes first, then the intent, then the breath. She does all three before the conversation, while she can still decide how she wants to be in that meeting.

Reflections

• What do I sense in my body  in the seconds before I react?
• What am I feeling when I snap, and what is the unmet need?
• How do I want my team to feel when they bring me difficult news?

A closing thought

Imagine ending the week without regrets or wishing to take back something you said. Imagine your team bringing you the difficult news early, because they trust how you will receive it.

You will still feel the pressure. What can change is the moment between the feeling and what you say next. It is a short moment, and with practice it gets a little longer.

Reach out to explore how coaching can help you stay calm and collected when it counts.

What helps you pause before you respond, especially when the pressure is on?